John Walks Out of the Theatre With a Frown

I'm sorry to say that I had to poach a lot from Nilay and Aaron, because they were just so right on the money with their picks. Next time I'll be more creative. Without further ado, my top ten most insulting movies:

10. No Country For Old Men - I love the Coens, but I had to include this movie for its unpalatable ending. Like I said before, just leave when Llewelyn has the conversation with the woman at the motel pool. Anything you imagine from that point forward will be better than what actually happens.

9. Jerry Maguire - Funny, I never saw Jerry actually perform any sports agent work. Where is the marketing, promotion and negotiations? "Rod really wants a new deal, guys!" Good work, Jerry. Oh, and the climax is that he calls Rod's wife after Rod is knocked unconscious on the field!? Wow, that's some impressive stuff. You're a pretty good guy, Jerry. Now go home to that wife you don't love and who you convinced to marry you anyway, and who you will now pretend to want back because you're lonely. [Come to think of it, it sounds like a pretty good movie when I put it that way.]

8. Titanic - One dimensional characters, an uninteresting event (the Titanic sinks, really?), and three hours of dull exposition. The best part is when Leo freezes to death at the end. I was laughing out loud in the theater. Talk about getting dirty looks.

7. Vanilla Sky - I hate "it was all a dream" movies. Whatever. I could have a dream about Penelope Cruz for an hour and a half, too (though I wouldn't enjoy it). Cameron Crowe is a sentimentalist with no dramatic chops (see above, and below).

6. Loser - Has Amy Heckerling ever met a college student? Supposedly smart people do incredibly stupid things. False, unbelievable emotional moments. A Crowe-esque effort.

5. Ocean's Twelve - I don't really care about the Julia Roberts crap (though I agree with Aaron), but I was insulted here because the twist was obscured from the narrative by the director deliberately to provide a "gotcha" moment. A scene was omitted -- no more and no less. It not only was not clever, it was cheating.

4. Almost Famous - This is perhaps the single most overrated film in history. Nothing happens, the characters are all despicable, and the emotional payoffs are contrived and unbelievable. It is fitting that it is the autobiography of its director, Cameron Crowe.

3. The Fountain - Visually compelling film-making with almost nothing behind it. This movie is the spawn of a one night stand My Life had with The Cell. Aronofsky, like Shayamalan, should stick to directing someone else's material.

2. AI - It's never-ending, it's not compelling, and it's incoherent. Plus, the teddy bear is more lifelike than the kid!!! And I don't blame Osment, I blame Spielberg, because a lifelike child wouldn't have mechanically unconditional love. That's a production issue, not an acting one. Pure stupidity.

1. Cache - As I said earlier about this film, Haneke is a bastard who has talent but no soul. To promise so much and leave you with less than nothing is unforgivable. That being said, you have to see the movie.