The Holy Grail

On this, the ninth of September in the year of our lord two thousand and ten, a great personal quest has come to a close with a magnificent triumph. I am pleased to announce that I am now the proud owner of The Criterion Collection edition of John Woo's classic guns-a-blazin' 1992 masterpiece Hard Boiled. I have spent the better part of a decade searching for this extremely rare out of print film, and having never even laid eyes on it before I am still in shock that I only had to pay about a fourth of what I would have shelled out for it. Considering that my personal collection of Criterion films is about a measly forty titles this one now joins the ranks with Verhoeven's Robocop, Demme's Silence of the Lambs, Hitchcock's Rebecca, Pekinpah's Straw Dogs, and Cronenberg's Dead Ringers (all also OOP) as the crown jewel of my collection. I could have just as easily gone on Amazon and purchased them at a high dollar amount, but where is the fun in that? I feel like I have stumbled upon Superman issue #1 Days like today are what make me truly appreciate the hunt.

Don't believe me that this one is hard to get your hands on? Don't take my word for it, but click here to see what Remy from Ratatouille has to say on the subject.

P.S. Don't feel obligated to remind me of how much of a nerd I really am. I'm well aware.

Assorted Links: Blogdanovich, Squinty Bond, and Unhappy Days



Summing Stuff Up in a Sentence or Two

Terriers (TV): It might be a bit of a cliche setup considering it involves a pair of down and out yet refreshingly witty private investigators, but I just so happen to like bulldogs and Donal Logue enough to recommend it. To quote an obscure 70's lyric: "You're a bad dog baby, but I still want you around."

Cabin Fever 2 Spring Fever (DVD): Speaking of obscurity and Undemanded Sequels, would you believe me if I told you that this somehow far surpasses its highly overrated predecessor? I think I can sum this grotesque little gem up with four simple words: Prom night dumpster baby.

The Burning (Netflix Watch Instantly): How did this long lost slasher get forgotten? A burn victim returns to a summer camp seeking revenge by slaughtering numerous teens. Sound familiar? It not only predates both Elm St. and Crystal Lake, but a major shocker at around the 45 min mark convinced me that it is also slightly better. Who cares if the main murder weapon is a pair of garden shears, or that it has a pre-Seinfield Jason Alexander... with hair!

Peter Travers of Rolling Stone clicks Like regarding The Social Network, but have you heard of the 'other' Facebook movie of the year? I can't wait to see both.

Assorted Links: Black Swan-tastic, a Pic-i-nic Basket of Cartoon Nostalgia, and Mr. White's Corporate Coming Out Party

A Woman's Eye View of The American

Gentlemen: These are the top five reactions your date will have to The American.

1. Yawn.

2. Hookers are not that pretty, even in Italy...right?

3. George Clooney is not Steve McQueen.

4. Yawn. Yes, the movie is minimalist and meditative, but the plot should keep you invested. Bullit is an example of how it is done right. The American is not. A movie is not a "thriller" if you know what is going to happen.

5. Clara did not love Edward. She would say anything to get what she wanted, which was to "go to America." See also Ingrid Bergman in Casablanca.

Assorted Links: Passing on Seconds, Dance Party, and Ugly Ducklings That Became Swans

On Machete

I was highly disappointed by Machete. I went in expecting wall to wall sex and violence, and what I got was a convoluted, overly-plotted anti-Republican, anti-Texas, anti-McCain, pro-immigration reform message movie that happened to have sequences of graphic violence and nudity to occasionally shake me from my slumber.

I like anti-Republican/Texas/McCain stuff, but Machete is heavy-handed. There is more talking in this movie than in most dramas. It got boring after about half an hour, after the rousing opening that showed what the movie should have been like.

I think because Machete is the first movie ever made based off a trailer, that Rodriguez backed himself into a corner by including so many stars in the trailer, and subsequently having to write parts for all of them. Machete has no less than five bad guys - Robert DeNiro, Don Johnson, Steven Segal, Tom Savini, and Jeff Fahey - and Fahey, Segal, and Johnson could have been condensed into one character. Johnson comes off the strongest, probably because I haven't seen him in anything since Nash Bridges, and it was great just to see him again. Here, he does something akin to Boss Godfrey in Cool Hand Luke.

If you're looking for something crammed full of over-the-top violence and sex, you won't find it here. Planet Terror is still the film to beat in the current trend of revisionist grindhouse films.

Machete: A Split Decision

I am having a pretty difficult time trying to decide where my loyalties towards Robert Rodriguez's Machete truly lie. I have seen it twice now, and I have found it to be simultaneously dull in some respects and razor sharp in others. After my first initial viewing I was ready to slam it as being just the kind of film that I had respected Anton Corbijn's The American for not being. It is loud, crass, stupid, and relentlessly violent. After my second viewing, this time with some friends and a realization that it wore the above described adjectives like a badge of honor, I found a great deal of fun to be had.

The first five minutes are an absolute trashy delight. We get no less than half a dozen grisly decapitations, Steven Seagal spewing out a laughably bad mexican accent, and a fully nude woman who resourcefully finds a convenient hiding place for her cell phone. The rest of the film unfolds as a revenge tale when ex-federale Machete (Danny Trejo) is framed for attempting to kill a racist senator (Robert De Niro) who wants to construct an electrified fence along the mexican border. This somehow allows the long list other villains (Seagal, Jeff Fahey, and Don Johnson) to control the drug trade.

Machete is given loads of help from a trio ladies. An immigration officer (Jessica Alba), a revolutionary freedom fighter/taco vendor (Michelle Rodriguez), and a wild child turned superhero nun who wields a .357 (Lindsey Lohan). It is worth noting that in true exploitation fashion he eventually ends up bedding all three of them. These scenes actually become a complete riot whenever that stereotypical, bass driven, porno-esque music kicks in. Numerous scenes are also stolen by Cheech Marin who hilariously plays a shotgun packing priest.

From a technical aspect Machete is kind of a marvel when you consider half of this film's footage was shot three years ago and used as a fake trailer in Grindhouse. Rodriguez has seamlessly constructed an entire film around a trailer instead of the other way around. A job that could have been a nightmare for most editors but I am guessing was a dream project for him. I only wish he would have taken the title weapon to the editing room and lopped off a good fifteen minutes.

The performances here are the exact definition of hit and miss. Trejo plays the title character rather well as a gruff hero that speaks softly and carries a big sword. Seagal seems to be having fun playing the bad guy it was just a shame that the majority of his screen time is spent via webcam. I've never really thought of Michelle Rodriguez as attractive, but after her role here I certainly do now. Alba, De Niro, and Lohan however all turn in embarrassing and groan inducing career lows.

I can only recommend this film if you are well aware of exactly what your are getting into (i.e. if you have seen the vastly superior Grindhouse, and want more of the same) considering it is more fun to laugh at than with I also must insist you see it with a group of people that get a kick out of this sort of thing. If you don't then time could draw out like a blade. B-

The Cove (waaaaa)

The Cove is one of the saddest and most graphic documentaries I've ever seen. The setting is Taiji, Japan, which is the location of the cove where dolphins are easily rounded up by Japanese fishermen and either sold to aquariums or swim-with-dolphins-type businesses around the world or slaughtered for consumption. (Did you know that on average a bottlenose dolphin - like Flipper- only costs $150,000? That did not seem that expensive to me and I wondered why Paris Hilton, the animal lover, has never owned a dolphin.) Apparently, at the aquarium in Taiji, you can watch dolphins perform and eat dolphin meat at the same time. The mission of the documentarians is to film the actual slaughter, which takes place in a smaller cove outside of view from any public place in order to cause public outrage and potentially shut down the operation by the local fishermen.

Although this is a compelling cause (who doesn't like dolphins, or wouldn't cringe at the sight of a dolphin being hacked at and struggling for air?), The Cove has a few problems. First, I found it difficult to connect to or even like the activists who are the focus of the documentary. At times, their intensity is too creepy. Other times, they are just silly. I was especially amused by this activist couple who loves to swim with dolphins and whales in the wild while wearing plastic tails (yes, as in a dolphin-looking tail is over their legs). Another activist told the story of a dolphin that "committed suicide in his arms" because the dolphin was tired of being in captivity (i.e. the dolphin stopped breathing on purpose). Second, I thought that the documentary misrepresented the issue a little bit as a "good guys vs. the Japanese" scenario. Obviously, there must be a diversity of opinion within Japan about this issue and its historical and economic underpinnings, but we never got any sense of it. Finally, the premise of the documentary is questionable (will videotaping this actually stop the slaughter?) and you end up wondering whether the insistence on filming the slaughter is more about sticking it to the local establishment that dislikes the western documentarians and their activists' entourage that have descended on their town. The fact is that everyone knows the dolphins get slaughtered and that the local fishermen are likely to continue to do so even after the documentary is released.

In the end, I am still deeply saddened by the sight of any dolphin being hurt and was moved by the documentary. (Yes, I'm a girl and love dolphins and rainbows.) So I am glad that there are people out there that are willing to go great lengths to protect these animals. Overall, C+ for execution, but A+ for taking on this issue.

The American: Bullet with Butterfly Wings

I actually regret not taking my father to see this one. As a man who I know loves the kind of espionage thrillers that Sydney Pollack used to make, and also not only enjoys firearms but the construction and mechanics behind them, I am quite sure that he would have found this film even more fascinating than I did.

The American involves an assassin, weapons manufacturer, and butterfly enthusiast named Edward who is ordered to hide out in a small Italian town after a botched job. While there he is given a new mission to construct a concealable rifle for a client. He also sparks up an ill-advised friendship with the local priest, and an even more risky romantic entanglement involving the local hooker with a heart of gold. To reveal anymore of the very simple plot would involve a spoiler alert.

The main thing that jumped out at me about this film is its silence and subtlety. This is such a quiet and elegant thriller that never feels forced or in your face. Yes there is a chase scene involving cars, guns, and a moped, but what interested me the most was that a thumping Paul Oakenfold techno track blaring over the soundtrack is refreshingly absent. This is an artistic piece that feels like it escaped from the seventies. A film made for adults and audience members with patience. While not entirely original it sometimes feels great to see a film that intrigues more than it exhilarates. B

Assorted Links: Disappoint-athon, Self Defense, and Plastic Basterds

Notes On 'The Last Exorcism'

  • It has been a good long while since I was able to feel goosebumps in my toes, but this flick made it happen.
  • Was the MPAA out to lunch during the screening of this film? The scene with the cat alone was enough for me to cry foul.
  • Nothing in the way of scares happens in the first third of the film, and it is by far the most fascinating stuff. It begins as a parable about a preacher who has lost his faith, and puts on an self admitted 'fake' show complete with smoke, mirrors, and MP3 sound effects.
  • The last five minutes are so ludicrous that it completely derails the film. Had the ending been exorcised I would have called it effectively creepy.

Bottom line
: It's better than Emily Rose, but nowhere near Regan MacNeil. C+

A Man's Eye View on 'Eat Pray Love'

Ladies: These are the top five reactions your man will have to Eat Pray Love-- if you can force him to watch Eat Pray Love.

1. Your man will find it hard to sympathize with Liz Gilbert (the memoir's author) during the first half-hour of the movie. How depressing it is to be an attractive, likable, witty, wealthy, successful person living in New York City! And her worst problem was that she had a slightly dopey dude for a husband, who loved her and wasn't emotionally or physically abusive (from what we can tell). Gahd, can it get any worse? Yes! You can date a handsome, spiritual, charming, young actor (James Franco). That will really drive you into the depths of depression.

2. Your man will be outraged that they decided to play "Der Hölle Rache kocht in meinem Herzen" from Mozart's "The Magic Flute" while Julia Roberts slurped up her first magical bites of spaghetti in Italy. She's orgasmically experiencing the essential Italian food, and the movie is accompanying it with an angry aria in German composed by an Austrian! Have you ever heard of Puccini or Verdi, Ryan Murphy? Have you?  There are plenty of perfectly good Italian operas you could have chosen from. Jeez. [Ed. note: No man will actually notice this].

3. Your man will wonder how Liz Gilbert could travel all the way to India to study under a guru that lives in New York City. Gilbert's a writer! Doesn't she know how to do research? This is highly unbelievable.

4. Your man will be impressed by the stand-out performance of Richard Jenkins as "Richard from Texas", the blustery blowhard with a tragic past who prods Liz Gilbert with motivational drivel during her stay at the Indian ashram. Your man will also most likely recognize Jenkins primarily from Farrelly Bros. movies, but your man might have also seen Jenkins in his understated Oscar-nominated role in The Visitor (which is kind of like the American version of Dirty Pretty Things, i.e. an emotional tale of the hardships surrounding illegal immigration).

5. Your man will grudgingly accept that Javier Bardem is a sexy, rugged, manly man, but he'll harbor the secret joyful knowledge that Bardem is not exactly handsome. The man is all face. There's just too much of it. It's like he's some strange, handsome-ish mash up of Brad Garrett, a neanderthal, and Mask.

One Minute Reviews


Me and Orson Welles: Have you ever wondered what Peter Jackson's remake of King Kong might have looked like minus the jungle and the great ape? Here is your answer. I might not have believed the quasi-relationship between Claire Danes and Charlie St. Cloud, but the real reason to see this life on the stage piece is for newcomer Christian McKay. His outstanding performance is like watching Thomas Lennon channeling The Third Man.

The Good, the Bad, the Weird: Whatever this very loose South Korean remake lacks in story it more than makes up for in style and action. This film is essentially one gigantic shoot out between the three title characters as they all chase a treasure map. The final showdown might not pack the same tension filled punch as Leone's original, but the outcome is refreshingly different.

Piranha 3D: I'm a man. Occasionally my cinematic needs are simple. Sometimes seeing countless naked women and enough gore to fill an ocean is worth the price of admission. This ladies and gentleman is one of those times. Make no mistake that this is a terrible film that only manages to get better the worse it gets. Who doesn't want to see vomit, an eyeball, and propeller-chopped fish guts fly off the screen at them? Lots of fun if your in the right mindset.

I also managed to see The Kids Are All Right and The Expendables, and having done so I am ready to make some early oscar nomination predictions. Mark Raffalo and Annette Bening are obvious shoo-ins, but I really hope that the academy pulls a first this year by honoring an inanimate object. The Atchisson Assault Shotgun deserves a best supporting actor nod after a delivering a pair of explosive performances in both Predators and Sly Stallone's latest.

Lotsa Assorted Links: #Pirhana3d #thesocialnetwork #xmenfirstclass #blackswan #scottpilgrim #truffaut

My Unpopular Views on Avatar Totally Vindicated by Actual Jungle Folk

From an Entertainment Weekly interview with James Cameron:
I was doing a fund-raiser for these people called the Achuar. [The Achuar are an Amazonian community who want to keep oil companies from drilling near their homelands.] This fund-raiser was trying to get public attention. A bunch of Achuar were bused in to watch Avatar at an IMAX theater in 3D. These are people who had never been in a movie theater. They’re wearing feathers and paint. And they put on the glasses and watch Avatar, the first movie they’ve ever seen. And when they came out, the BBC interviewed them. This one woman, a tribal elder, says, “In this movie, they solved their problems by fighting. We are not afraid to fight, but we have decided to try to solve our problems through dialogue. So this movie needs a better message.” [emphasis added]

A Directing Career Ends Not With a Bang, But With a Giggle

Before the midnight premiere of Scott Pilgrim in Chicago, something interesting happened.  A trailer for a film called Devil played (see the trailer here).  The film is about five people who get stuck inside an elevator together.  Naturally, strange things start happening, and eventually the characters turn on each other (and/or maybe something supernatural is at play).  It looked like a low-budget psychological thriller, perhaps by a first time director, with no big name stars in it. The audience was deadly silent, and seemed engaged by the premise.

That is, until the words: "From the mind of M. Night Shyamalan" appeared on the screen.  At that point everyone in the entire theater burst into laughter.

My first reaction was: How sad. The visionary director that could have been is now an outright joke. A movie that the audience might have been interested in (it's possible) is rendered completely worthless just because his name is associated with it (P.S. he didn't even direct it). We're watching the death throes of an artist's career.

For more on Shyamalan's failings, see this and this.

Backtracking 'Basterds'

One year ago to the day I made a hasty and erroneous decision to ridicule a film that everyone else seemed to see something special in. After some time, numerous (sometimes heated) discussions, and multiple re-watch sessions I have come to the conclusion that I was totally incorrect to judge this film in the manner I originally did. I feel so strongly about this that I have decided to officially go on the record to explain and correct myself. The film that I am referring to is Quentin Tarantino's war epic Inglourious Basterds.

Sometimes a combination of anticipation, expectations, and first impressions can create a perfect storm of disappointment. In 2009 I wasn't looking forward to a single film more than Basterds. Tarantino has been, and continues to be one of my all time favorite writer/directors. When I heard that he was finally making a WWII film I became giddy at the notion that it would be a cranage filled blood bath of style in the manner that he had previously amped up the samurai genre with in Kill Bill.

I had the privilege of screening this film a few days before its official release in a private after hours showing. Once the film had ended the first and pretty much only thing that came to mind was the extremely uneven ratio of talking to action. I rushed home to my laptop ready to vent to the world. I was more surprised than anyone that my idol had failed me, when truth be told he never actually did. As Bill would say... "I overreacted."

My original review can be found here. As you can see I failed to mention the marvelous performances from a top notch cast. It is old news now that newcomer Christoph Waltz rightfully received the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for his performance as Hans Landa. He does in fact steal the show with is combination of disarming likability, bursts of intelligence, and occasional ruthless intensity. Brad Pitt seems to be having a blast as the good 'ol boy Lt. Aldo Rien. A commander who insists his men go seriously savage on the enemy. The women here are also a force to be reckoned with as well. To me, Diane Kruger has never been that impressive of an actress in the past, but her role here as spy Bridget Von Hammersmark is classy, sexy, and sly. Melanie Laurent is stunning as well, playing the character of Shosanna, akin to a young Uma Thurman in pure revenge mode.

Originally the only chapter that I made reference to being any good the first time around was the second one. I should have noted how outstanding the cat and mouse opening truly is, as Landa interrogates a french dairy farmer by killing him with kindness, and he then proceeds to have Shoshanna's entire family slaughtered. It is an attention getter like no other, and masterfully sets the tone for the entire picture.

Other scenes have certainly grown on me as well. The mystery celebrity card game in the tavern basement between our heroes and the Gestapo Major is riveting. Watching these characters bluff as the tension builds is like watching them play two games, but only one of them is for fun, the other is a game of life and death. When it does culminate to a head the violence might be brief, but there is no denying that it is explosive. Definitely worth the wait. I also forgot to mention how much I loved the preparation scene for the premiere of Nation's Pride. The use of David Bowie's Cat People thumping over the soundtrack as characters prepare for battle amidst a red carpet opening is excellent. Scenes I only liked originally I have grown to love even more now. Scenes like the baseball bat interrogation and the disintegration of Hitler's face.

Do I still have problems with the film? Yes. I insist that for a film called Inglourious Basterds that they don't get nearly enough screen time. Hear me out. Not one single character appears in all five chapters. Landa (the supporting character) appears in the most with four. Pitt and his team are totally absent in two entire chapters, and when they are front and center half of the Jewish members stand in the background and say nothing. The German 'recruits' of the team get plenty of screen time (which I digress is totally necessary to the Operation Kino set-up), but why are actors like Sam Levine, Paul Rust, and BJ Novak even in this movie when they are given virtually nothing to do? Some of them don't even get a single line. Perhaps if the film had a different title I would have no cause for argument. Still, I have been able to overlook this.

Make no mistake this retraction is not a "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" thing. I truly do appreciate and enjoy this film now for what it is as opposed to what I wanted it to be. I actually found it interesting that while I couldn't find a single person who originally disliked it as much as I, there were several people who admitted to me that they wouldn't have enjoyed had I not told them what to expect with my original opinion. It might have been incorrect, but at least it seems it was still useful for something (I think).

In conclusion I would like to formally apologize to everyone I fought kicking and screaming with against this being a great film. Especially, my sister Emily. I don't think we have ever disagreed on a film more. In this case Emily you were right, and I was wrong. This is something I don't do too often so do not expect to see me back track other films I have either overly loved, or overly hated. Basterds is a special case. It is so unique that if any film deserved a second chance, this is it.

Now if you will excuse me, I must wash down this slice of humble pie with a tall glass of milk.

Obsessed

Movies about crazy female stalkers are kinda awesome. The storyline in these movies is typically along the lines of: happily married man or happy single man meets crazy female stalker; crazy female stalker is highly attractive, intriguing, and flirty; man flirts, and in some cases strays, but is ultimately "committed" to his wife or girlfriend; crazy female stalker goes, well, crazy, and must be killed. Bummer.

Obsessed is no exception. Idris Elba (aka Stringer Bell on The Wire) is happily married to Beyonce. Ali Larter is the crazy female stalker, and did a nice job. The acting and chemistry by/between Larter and Elba was great throughout the movie. Not surprisingly, Beyonce was terrible (to the point where I wonder if she stalked producers/the director to get the part). She completely over-dramatizes all of her lines, which makes her look and sound ridiculous, but also makes you burst out laughing when you least expect it in a really fun way. At the end of the day, Beyonce keeps her man, but not without a lengthy catfight from Larter.

In my view, the best crazy female stalkers are (1) Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction; (2) Alicia Silverstone in The Crush; (3) Rebecca De Morney in The Hand that Rocks the Cradle; (4) Erika Christensen in Swimfan; and (5) Mel in Flight of the Concords. Although my attempts to stalk anyone would be more in line with Mel's than anyone else on the list, I secretly envy the hot, crazy female stalker because she has no fear of rejection. Can you imagine walking around like that? Hitting on normal men is not easy for a dork like me, but hitting on men who act like they are so annoyed with you that they want to kill you? That must be especially challenging, particularly if you are shy to begin with. I admire the crazy female stalker's ability to look good and act sexy, even in the face of rejection.

I wasn't always a fan though. As a kid, I never related to the crazy female stalker character - her motives and means were way too bizarre to me and I was repulsed by her ("how can she be so pretty, but so desperate?" I thought to myself). As I have grown older, however, I can't help but sympathize with the crazy female stalker in a strange kind of way. What really distinguishes the crazy female stalker from the rest of us is her poor sense of perspective in choosing her means in pursuing her love interest, something most women can't brag about anyways. Yes, the crazy female stalker uses strange and often violent means, but for movie purposes they are dramatic and entertaining. For example, in Obsessed, these include sexy breaking and entering, catfighting, sexting, and getting a guy intoxicated and then "taking advantage of him." I have never had the courage to do any of the above, but Larter made them look easy and good. I recommend this movie for laughs and will add Larter to my list.

Gary Kurtz: One Side of Star Wars


This week The Los Angeles Times posted a fascinating article about Gary Kurtz, the original producer of the first two Star Wars films. While the franchise is most associated with creator George Lucas, it’s possible that none of it would have happened without Kurtz’s involvement.

Kurtz and Lucas had been friends in film school and they created ‘50s hotrod paean American Graffiti. Kurtz explains that the whole intergalactic saga began because, for their next project, they were unable to acquire the rights to make a new Flash Gordon. They instead tweaked and molded a myriad of ideas that became the 1977 blockbuster.

While Kurtz felt the two men were in lockstep with The Empire Strikes Back (the title of which he created), he recognized that their goals were diverging following the darker, intricate and more mature sequel. Kurtz felt they should continue this style to maintain artistic quality on the third film, while Lucas focused more on the business end of what they were doing. The two ceased their collaboration, stunning the cast and crew.

A few of the many nuggets to look for in the piece include what their original plans were after 1977 (it wasn’t more Star Wars), and some startling and contrasting ideas that were intended to finish Return of the Jedi on a more “bittersweet and poignant” note.

Kurtz’s perspective has rarely been part of the discussion, and this article, released during the 30th anniversary of “Empire”, provides a fuller context for these amazing accomplishments.